RIP Grandma

5 Feb

A moment. A moment in time. A moment in time that can change everything. It can change your life for the better. Or this moment can turn your life upside down. It’s only a moment, yet it’s so much more than just that.

At 5:28, I was reading a book. A really good, interesting book. My phone started to vibrate. I had gotten an email. The moment I opened that email, at 5:29, everything changed. The time between 5:28 and 5:29 was my last moment not knowing. My last moment n0t knowing  that my Grandma, my dear, beloved Grandma, had passed away. It was the moment that changed everything.

My Grandmother has been sick for a while now. Almost 5 years, to be exact. And I guess I’ve always known that this moment would come. But I never let myself think about it. I never let myself dwell on that thought. And I never thought it would be so soon. February 5, 2013. 1:55.

What was I doing at 1:55? I was in school. It was last period. I had Science. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t have. And now that I do know, I don’t know which is worse. Knowing, and being in pain, or never knowing.

I have many regrets. The biggest one is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say ‘I love you’ one more time. I never got to see her one last time. I haven’t seen her in more than 4 years. I haven’t talked to her in more than 4 years. And now, now it’s too late. It’s too late for her to teach me how to knit. It’s too late for her to tell me stories about her childhood. It’s too late for everything. It’s too late to say goodbye.

Grandma, I haven’t said this to you since I was a baby. So I’ll say it now. I love you. Even if the last time I saw you, I was angry. Even if the last time I saw you, I was frustrated. I hope that you knew that through it all, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped caring. I love you. And I miss you.

 

perfectlonelyworld

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