Archive | March, 2013

Drifting Away

19 Mar

We used to be so close. We’d barely go a day without talking to each other. Now, we hardly speak, and when we do, the conversation’s strained and unnatural. I can feel us drifting apart. I can see us getting farther and farther away from each other. I know that if I tried, if I reached out a hand, maybe I could still save it, and pull us together again. But I don’t. Because when I try, there’s no response. I text you, but you don’t answer.  I muster up the courage to call your number, but it goes straight to voicemail. And after, I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed to be naïve enough to think it could go back to the way it used to be. Embarrassed that you seem to have moved on while I, I’m still stuck on the same path you left me on. I see you sometimes, with other people, laughing, and I’m saddened by the sight. A wave of nostalgia washes over me, and I can’t help but remember all the times you’d laugh like that when we were together. Or how I could talk to you after a long, hard day and everything would suddenly become a whole lot better. I guess I just miss you. But in the end, I’m too tired to try to get you back. And maybe you don’t even notice it, but I do. I notice the cracks on the ground where we stand. I notice the wrinkles that have formed on the fabric. And I want to hold you close to me. But instead, I let go, and watch you drift farther and farther away.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Before The End

14 Mar

I looked down. I was so high up. 22 stories. That was how tall the building was. The sidewalk was empty. Cold, hard cement that would surely break my bones.  It would relieve me of the pain I felt. It would release me from the horror and terror of living. I wondered what it would feel like to die. Would it be painful? Or would death embrace me, welcoming me. I felt the wind blow across my face. The clear blue sky, with not a single cloud in sight. It was like the day it happened.

It had been a good day. I had gone out for a walk. The birds were chirping, the sun shined, causing a reflection in the water. The sand was soft between my toes. The air was filled with the scent of fresh air. I could still taste the blueberry pancakes I had for breakfast. This was back when everything was normal. Before Daniel died, before dad left. The fighting would last all night. Mom and dad would scream at each other, saying the worst insults they could think of. After the divorce, dad just left. As he walked out the door for the last time, he didn’t say a word. Just took his suitcase, opened the door, and walked out without turning back. It was all because of Daniel. He didn’t think that night. He decided to drive home after going to a party. After he got himself drunk. My beloved brother, my idol, killed himself by driving. I was going to jump. It would be so much more peaceful. There wouldn’t be as much blood as there had been in the car accident.

I involuntarily thought about two nights ago. He did it again. It was the fourth time. Every time mom’s with us, he acts like nothing happened. He acts like Prince Charming, bringing flowers every time he takes her on a date, giving me a new laptop, being perfect. But he wasn’t perfect. He was mean and cruel and violent. I bit down on my lip. I felt his hands on my arms, pinning them to my sides. He pushed me onto the bed, forcing himself on top of me. I was helpless. I cried for him to stop, but he shoved his tongue into my mouth. He was hurting me. I cried and cried, but he kept on doing it. No one was home. I was alone with him.

Don’t think about that. It’s too painful. It was all going to end. Soon, I wouldn’t be in any more pain. I wouldn’t be miserable anymore. No one would ever tease me again. He would never touch me again. He can never hurt me anymore. I took a deep breath and took a step closer. I put my hands on the wall that was to stop me. It wouldn’t stop me. I was finally going to do something for myself. It would soon be all over. And I wouldn’t regret it. I climbed onto the wall and looked down one last time. I closed my eyes. This was it. This was how it was all going to end.

But did I really want it all to end? Did I really want to do this? Would Daniel have wanted me to do this? I looked at the sidewalk. It was hard and painful. This wasn’t what I wanted. I climbed down from the wall and ran down the stairs. I ran and ran. And I never looked back.

 

perfectlonelyworld

If I Had Known

5 Mar

It’s been exactly 5 years since I saw you for the last time. It was a Tuesday night. I wore a new coral colored shirt. I remember being in the car, driving to go see you. I wanted her to come with me. But she didn’t. I remember riding in the elevators to go to your floor, and I remember getting lost. You were on the third floor.

If I had known it would be my last time seeing you, I wouldn’t have said that I needed to go to the bathroom, when I really just needed some air. I wouldn’t have went to the hallway, pacing back and forth, trying to think straight. Because if I hadn’t, it would have meant 5 more minutes with you. If I had known it would be my last time feeling your touch on me, I would have hugged you harder. I would have given you a kiss. (I remember you saying “If it weren’t for these tubes, I’d kiss you.”) If I had known it would be the last time I would get to hear your voice, I would have listened more carefully, memorizing your voice.

I wrote you a poem. And I read it at the funeral. I remember eating poutine for the first time in my life before going to the funeral home. At your funeral, there was so many people. You had touched every single one of their lives in some way. There were 3 people sitting on the couch. Your daughter was there. There was some crying. I cried. But we laughed too. And we smiled. We thought of all our memories of you. It was bittersweet.

I miss you. You were my friend when I was mostly alone. You helped me. You helped my family. I’ll always remember sitting in your living room on Sundays, watching cartoons and eating cheese puffs. I remember coloring pictures in your kitchen. I remember your birthday 3 years before you died. We drove to see you again. And I remember you said that you were looking forwards to the next 10 years.

There’s some things that I can no longer remember. I can no longer hear your voice, a voice that was once so comforting to me. At times, I can’t see your face. And this, this thought that you will slowly be forgotten, terrifies me. You should have been here for at least 7 more years. If I had known that you would be gone, I would never have taken any thing for granted. It’s been 5 years.

God saw him getting tired

When a cure was not to be,

So he closed his arms around him

And whispered come to me.

 

In tears we saw him sinking,

We watched him fade away,

Our hearts were truly broken,

He fought so hard to stay.

 

But when we saw him sleeping

Peacefully and free from pain,

We could not wish him back

To suffer that again.

 

So close your arms around him Lord,

And give him special care,

Make up for all that he suffered

That seemed to us unfair.

 

So many times we’ve needed him,

So many times we’ve cried,

If love could have saved him,

He never would have died.

 

perfectlonelyworld

The First Snowfall

1 Mar

Soft flakes drifting lightly

Towards the white covered ground,

Forming a beautiful blanket

That is gentle and tender.

 

The wind murmurs in the air,

Ever so lightly, barely there,

Turning little noses the color of blood,

As snow continues to fall.

 

Bells jingle and wind chimes ring,

The smell of cinnamon at every turn,

Children sit with mugs of hot chocolate

To watch the first snowfall of the year.

 

perfectlonelyworld