Tag Archives: Betrayal

Before The End

14 Mar

I looked down. I was so high up. 22 stories. That was how tall the building was. The sidewalk was empty. Cold, hard cement that would surely break my bones.  It would relieve me of the pain I felt. It would release me from the horror and terror of living. I wondered what it would feel like to die. Would it be painful? Or would death embrace me, welcoming me. I felt the wind blow across my face. The clear blue sky, with not a single cloud in sight. It was like the day it happened.

It had been a good day. I had gone out for a walk. The birds were chirping, the sun shined, causing a reflection in the water. The sand was soft between my toes. The air was filled with the scent of fresh air. I could still taste the blueberry pancakes I had for breakfast. This was back when everything was normal. Before Daniel died, before dad left. The fighting would last all night. Mom and dad would scream at each other, saying the worst insults they could think of. After the divorce, dad just left. As he walked out the door for the last time, he didn’t say a word. Just took his suitcase, opened the door, and walked out without turning back. It was all because of Daniel. He didn’t think that night. He decided to drive home after going to a party. After he got himself drunk. My beloved brother, my idol, killed himself by driving. I was going to jump. It would be so much more peaceful. There wouldn’t be as much blood as there had been in the car accident.

I involuntarily thought about two nights ago. He did it again. It was the fourth time. Every time mom’s with us, he acts like nothing happened. He acts like Prince Charming, bringing flowers every time he takes her on a date, giving me a new laptop, being perfect. But he wasn’t perfect. He was mean and cruel and violent. I bit down on my lip. I felt his hands on my arms, pinning them to my sides. He pushed me onto the bed, forcing himself on top of me. I was helpless. I cried for him to stop, but he shoved his tongue into my mouth. He was hurting me. I cried and cried, but he kept on doing it. No one was home. I was alone with him.

Don’t think about that. It’s too painful. It was all going to end. Soon, I wouldn’t be in any more pain. I wouldn’t be miserable anymore. No one would ever tease me again. He would never touch me again. He can never hurt me anymore. I took a deep breath and took a step closer. I put my hands on the wall that was to stop me. It wouldn’t stop me. I was finally going to do something for myself. It would soon be all over. And I wouldn’t regret it. I climbed onto the wall and looked down one last time. I closed my eyes. This was it. This was how it was all going to end.

But did I really want it all to end? Did I really want to do this? Would Daniel have wanted me to do this? I looked at the sidewalk. It was hard and painful. This wasn’t what I wanted. I climbed down from the wall and ran down the stairs. I ran and ran. And I never looked back.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Disappointment

21 Feb

I hate disappointment.

I hate being disappointed. I hate going to watch a movie or reading book, and being left unsatisfied. I hate expecting a person to be better than that, when they really aren’t. I hate counting on someone who can’t be counted upon. I hate realizing that the ones I trusted betrayed my trust. I hate people making promises they know they’ll never keep. I hate the sadness that comes with being let down. I hate the way it leaves me feeling drained and lethargic. I hate being disappointed.

I hate disappointing others. I hate telling someone I will do something, and not being able to do so. I hate letting others down. I hate not being able to hold my end of the deal. I hate falling short of other peoples’ standards. I hate being someone they used to be able to trust. I hate telling my parents that I didn’t make it. I hate feeling useless and worthless. I hate the looks on peoples’ faces when they’re disappointed. I hate not being good enough, no matter how hard I try. I hate disappointing others.

And lately, all I ever seem to feel is disappointment, and am constantly disappointing others. The feeling that I’m not worthy and that I’ll never be worthy, lingers in my mind. Perhaps if I lower my expectations, or perhaps if I stop caring so much what other people think, I can stop feeling this way. But I can’t. Thus, my life will continue to revolve around disappointment.

 

perfectlonelyworld