Tag Archives: Death

Before The End

14 Mar

I looked down. I was so high up. 22 stories. That was how tall the building was. The sidewalk was empty. Cold, hard cement that would surely break my bones.  It would relieve me of the pain I felt. It would release me from the horror and terror of living. I wondered what it would feel like to die. Would it be painful? Or would death embrace me, welcoming me. I felt the wind blow across my face. The clear blue sky, with not a single cloud in sight. It was like the day it happened.

It had been a good day. I had gone out for a walk. The birds were chirping, the sun shined, causing a reflection in the water. The sand was soft between my toes. The air was filled with the scent of fresh air. I could still taste the blueberry pancakes I had for breakfast. This was back when everything was normal. Before Daniel died, before dad left. The fighting would last all night. Mom and dad would scream at each other, saying the worst insults they could think of. After the divorce, dad just left. As he walked out the door for the last time, he didn’t say a word. Just took his suitcase, opened the door, and walked out without turning back. It was all because of Daniel. He didn’t think that night. He decided to drive home after going to a party. After he got himself drunk. My beloved brother, my idol, killed himself by driving. I was going to jump. It would be so much more peaceful. There wouldn’t be as much blood as there had been in the car accident.

I involuntarily thought about two nights ago. He did it again. It was the fourth time. Every time mom’s with us, he acts like nothing happened. He acts like Prince Charming, bringing flowers every time he takes her on a date, giving me a new laptop, being perfect. But he wasn’t perfect. He was mean and cruel and violent. I bit down on my lip. I felt his hands on my arms, pinning them to my sides. He pushed me onto the bed, forcing himself on top of me. I was helpless. I cried for him to stop, but he shoved his tongue into my mouth. He was hurting me. I cried and cried, but he kept on doing it. No one was home. I was alone with him.

Don’t think about that. It’s too painful. It was all going to end. Soon, I wouldn’t be in any more pain. I wouldn’t be miserable anymore. No one would ever tease me again. He would never touch me again. He can never hurt me anymore. I took a deep breath and took a step closer. I put my hands on the wall that was to stop me. It wouldn’t stop me. I was finally going to do something for myself. It would soon be all over. And I wouldn’t regret it. I climbed onto the wall and looked down one last time. I closed my eyes. This was it. This was how it was all going to end.

But did I really want it all to end? Did I really want to do this? Would Daniel have wanted me to do this? I looked at the sidewalk. It was hard and painful. This wasn’t what I wanted. I climbed down from the wall and ran down the stairs. I ran and ran. And I never looked back.

 

perfectlonelyworld

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If I Had Known

5 Mar

It’s been exactly 5 years since I saw you for the last time. It was a Tuesday night. I wore a new coral colored shirt. I remember being in the car, driving to go see you. I wanted her to come with me. But she didn’t. I remember riding in the elevators to go to your floor, and I remember getting lost. You were on the third floor.

If I had known it would be my last time seeing you, I wouldn’t have said that I needed to go to the bathroom, when I really just needed some air. I wouldn’t have went to the hallway, pacing back and forth, trying to think straight. Because if I hadn’t, it would have meant 5 more minutes with you. If I had known it would be my last time feeling your touch on me, I would have hugged you harder. I would have given you a kiss. (I remember you saying “If it weren’t for these tubes, I’d kiss you.”) If I had known it would be the last time I would get to hear your voice, I would have listened more carefully, memorizing your voice.

I wrote you a poem. And I read it at the funeral. I remember eating poutine for the first time in my life before going to the funeral home. At your funeral, there was so many people. You had touched every single one of their lives in some way. There were 3 people sitting on the couch. Your daughter was there. There was some crying. I cried. But we laughed too. And we smiled. We thought of all our memories of you. It was bittersweet.

I miss you. You were my friend when I was mostly alone. You helped me. You helped my family. I’ll always remember sitting in your living room on Sundays, watching cartoons and eating cheese puffs. I remember coloring pictures in your kitchen. I remember your birthday 3 years before you died. We drove to see you again. And I remember you said that you were looking forwards to the next 10 years.

There’s some things that I can no longer remember. I can no longer hear your voice, a voice that was once so comforting to me. At times, I can’t see your face. And this, this thought that you will slowly be forgotten, terrifies me. You should have been here for at least 7 more years. If I had known that you would be gone, I would never have taken any thing for granted. It’s been 5 years.

God saw him getting tired

When a cure was not to be,

So he closed his arms around him

And whispered come to me.

 

In tears we saw him sinking,

We watched him fade away,

Our hearts were truly broken,

He fought so hard to stay.

 

But when we saw him sleeping

Peacefully and free from pain,

We could not wish him back

To suffer that again.

 

So close your arms around him Lord,

And give him special care,

Make up for all that he suffered

That seemed to us unfair.

 

So many times we’ve needed him,

So many times we’ve cried,

If love could have saved him,

He never would have died.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Meant To Be

20 Feb

It’s been two years since

Most have moved on

But you’re still living

Like it was yesterday

 

You blame yourself for what happened,

Never letting go

Thinking you could have stopped it

But you’ve got to know

 

[Chorus]

It’s not your fault,

You’re not to blame

And maybe someday, somewhere

You’ll see it was meant to be

Some things are just meant to happen

No matter how bad they are

Someday you’ll look back and see

It was meant to be

 

You’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders

Weighing you down

‘Til you’re just a puddle after the hurricane

You’ve got to know

 

[Chorus]

It’s not your fault,

You’re not to blame

And maybe someday, somewhere

You’ll see it was meant to be

Some things are just meant to happen

No matter how bad they are

Someday you’ll look back and see

It was meant to be

 

I just wish you’d realize

There are some things we can’t change

If you’d look a little closer

If you’d open your eyes and see

Yeah I know it’ll hurt the most

And yeah, I know you loved her

But it’s already over

 

It was never your fault

Stop blaming yourself

Someday, somewhere

Open your eyes and see it was meant to be

Some things just have to happen

Even if they hurt

Someday you’ll see

It was meant to be

It was meant to be

 

perfectlonelyworld

Back In Time

11 Feb

I want to go back in time. I want to go back to a time when things were simpler. When life seemed better.

I want to go back and talk to my grandmother. I want to see her smile, and give her a hug. Most importantly, I want to tell her that I love her.

I want to go back to when I was a baby. When I had not yet known heartbreak, sorrow and pain. When I wasn’t constantly under pressure to be perfect.

I want to go back to when I was five. When I would sit on the rock in our front yard, day after day, after day. Waiting. For what, I’m not sure. Perhaps waiting for my dad to come home from work. Or maybe, I was waiting for the cats who lived across the street to come, so that I could play with them.

I want to go back to that hospital room on that Tuesday night. That night, the last time I saw him alive. I want to give him a kiss on the cheek, tell him how he made me a better person.

I want to go back to when my biggest worry was if the girl sitting next to me in class wanted to play with me at recess.

I want to go back to summer days spent by the pool. Laughing, splashing, talking. When school seemed an eternity away.

I want to go back to evening strolls on the beach. Watching the sun set, the sky aflame. Later, the sky would turn pink. I want to feel the sand in between my toes and smell the fresh ocean air.

Above all, I want to go back and do all the things I wish I had done. I want to relive all the good times of the past, not taking it for granted. I want to take away this regret that is inside me.

 

perfectlonelyworld

 

Are You Okay?

8 Feb

All you see

Is hurt inside,

Yet you still ask

If she’s okay.

 

You know the pain

Burns like fire,

But you don’t know

What to say.

 

So you ask

Time and time again,

Knowing the answer,

Waiting for a yes.

 

Perhaps it’s not

Really the case,

But when you asked,

You didn’t really care.

 

She was weak

Inside where it mattered,

She needed help,

Couldn’t you tell?

 

Perhaps some time,

I’ll be strong inside,

But for now I’ll say

I’m okay.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Grandma

7 Feb

Here’s what I remember:

Her rocking my sister to sleep in her arms while singing a song.

Going to the store with her to buy Cheetos.

Hearing her tell me stories about when I was a baby before going to sleep.

Watching the back of her deep red coat become smaller and smaller as she went past security at the airport.

Her standing in front of the window while pouring herself some tea in furry light blue pajamas.

Sitting on the couch with her, watching TV show after TV show.

Going to a fancy restaurant to celebrate her birthday.

Her sitting on the reclining seat in the bedroom every morning, reading the newspaper.

Her and my sister walking around the house, arms swinging, like they had all the time in the world.

Going shopping and her buying me little mementos.

Her crying as we leave for the airport and my mom promising that we’ll see her again.

Here’s what I don’t remember:

The last thing I said to her before we left.

Me telling her that I love her.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Hospital

6 Feb

To think that these bleached white walls

Are the last thing they saw,

Before they drifted off.

 

Yet this place of great sorrow

Where many spend their last moments,

Is also a dome of eternal grace.

 

Where newborns enter the world

Wrapped in soft warm blankets,

Lovingly passed from arm to arm.

 

One last shaky breath is taken,

A tear rolls down weary eyes,

And I drift away.

 

perfectlonelyworld

RIP Grandma

5 Feb

A moment. A moment in time. A moment in time that can change everything. It can change your life for the better. Or this moment can turn your life upside down. It’s only a moment, yet it’s so much more than just that.

At 5:28, I was reading a book. A really good, interesting book. My phone started to vibrate. I had gotten an email. The moment I opened that email, at 5:29, everything changed. The time between 5:28 and 5:29 was my last moment not knowing. My last moment n0t knowing  that my Grandma, my dear, beloved Grandma, had passed away. It was the moment that changed everything.

My Grandmother has been sick for a while now. Almost 5 years, to be exact. And I guess I’ve always known that this moment would come. But I never let myself think about it. I never let myself dwell on that thought. And I never thought it would be so soon. February 5, 2013. 1:55.

What was I doing at 1:55? I was in school. It was last period. I had Science. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t have. And now that I do know, I don’t know which is worse. Knowing, and being in pain, or never knowing.

I have many regrets. The biggest one is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say ‘I love you’ one more time. I never got to see her one last time. I haven’t seen her in more than 4 years. I haven’t talked to her in more than 4 years. And now, now it’s too late. It’s too late for her to teach me how to knit. It’s too late for her to tell me stories about her childhood. It’s too late for everything. It’s too late to say goodbye.

Grandma, I haven’t said this to you since I was a baby. So I’ll say it now. I love you. Even if the last time I saw you, I was angry. Even if the last time I saw you, I was frustrated. I hope that you knew that through it all, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped caring. I love you. And I miss you.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Dead Miracle

23 Jan

He sat there in total silence,

Lost in his own world

He blocked out the proof around him,

Not wanting to be hurt

 

Staring out the window,

Wishing for things to be better

Dreaming about things he’d never do,

And lives he’d never live

 

The nurse came in with the needle,

And he couldn’t help but sigh

He prayed that the doctors would save him,

So he’d live past twenty-five

 

This was his life,

Since the day he turned two

That was the day he got sick,

And he’s never gotten better

 

He knew it was killing him,

He knew his days were numbered

But he couldn’t stop hoping for a miracle,

And a dream he never got.

 

perfectlonelyworld