Tag Archives: Falling Apart

One More Time

21 Jan

When I no longer answer your calls,

It’s not a sign that I no longer love you

As I watch the phone ring on and on and on,

The agony inside me tears a hole through my chest.

 

When I ignore your texts in a fleeting moment’s decision,

I dwell on the sound of your voice in my head, calling my name

I long for your hands that used to hold me so close,

And I sink into your warmth.

 

If I could talk to you once more

Without breaking down and falling to my knees,

So many things left unsaid,

Forever stuck in my throat.

 

I’ve learned that sometimes

The pain is so strong,

It’s easier to live with the ache

Than face you one more time.

 

perfectlonelyworld

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Piano Lessons

3 May

For most of my life, I have taken piano lessons. The first time I ever touched a piano was when I was 6; I started lessons when I was 8. In all honesty, when my parents asked if I wanted to play an instrument, what I really wanted to play was the guitar. But my mom is a classical music fan, and persuaded me to choose the piano. Thus, began my long, tear-filled journey of piano lessons.

I am not a fan of classical music. At all. I’m a through and through Country gal. Looking back, taking guitar lessons would have made a lot more sense. But at the time, I was quite easily persuaded. My first teacher wanted his students to enjoy what they were playing. So technique-wise, I learned nothing. After 3 or 4 years, I stopped with him, and got a different teacher. This new teacher is the one I blame for the tears.

He was young and strict and moody. By the end of every lesson, I would be in tears. Tears that I fought hard to control, but it was a losing battle from the start. I was (and still am) an extremely sensitive person, and his insults did nothing to help my growing hatred of the piano. Even when he praised me on a piece well played, all I could hear were “I have students younger than you who can play better” and “You will never be good at this”. My mom was no help either. “If you’d practice more, you’d get better”, “You can’t play with friends until you practice the piano. He said you have to practice at least 3 hours every day” and “Stop wasting money”.  To be fair, I did learn a lot about how to play the piano when I was with him.

To any sane person looking in, the solution would be simple. If you hate it so much, and if it causes so many fights (every single fight I have ever had with my parents stems from the piano), why don’t you just stop? The answer? Because I can’t. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As much as I hate it, I can’t let go. It is a part of who I am, and if I stop, I too, will die. It seems overly dramatic. But it’s true. It has become such a huge part of me that if I were to stop, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

I found a new teacher, and have been with him for almost a year. I enjoy it, but slowly, the fights are starting again. Things as simple as my dad refusing to drive me (it takes close to 2 hours to get there by public transport) to (once again) the “fact” that I am “wasting money”. Whether I like it or not, piano lessons have become a part of me, and I know that it will continue to be until the day I die, whether it be soon or a long time away. That, I do not know, but what I do know is that I can never stop.

 

perfectlonelyworld

What Do You Do?

16 Feb

What do you tell yourself each morning,

When you don’t have the courage to get out of bed,

When you’ve lost all will to live.

 

What do you say to those who love you,

When they don’t see the façade,

When you’ve lied to their face.

 

What do you see as you look in the mirror,

When you apply two pounds of make-up,

When you see the beast underneath.

 

What do you do holding the knife in your hand,

When you try so hard to go through,

When you’ve given up on the world.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Are You Okay?

8 Feb

All you see

Is hurt inside,

Yet you still ask

If she’s okay.

 

You know the pain

Burns like fire,

But you don’t know

What to say.

 

So you ask

Time and time again,

Knowing the answer,

Waiting for a yes.

 

Perhaps it’s not

Really the case,

But when you asked,

You didn’t really care.

 

She was weak

Inside where it mattered,

She needed help,

Couldn’t you tell?

 

Perhaps some time,

I’ll be strong inside,

But for now I’ll say

I’m okay.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Grandma

7 Feb

Here’s what I remember:

Her rocking my sister to sleep in her arms while singing a song.

Going to the store with her to buy Cheetos.

Hearing her tell me stories about when I was a baby before going to sleep.

Watching the back of her deep red coat become smaller and smaller as she went past security at the airport.

Her standing in front of the window while pouring herself some tea in furry light blue pajamas.

Sitting on the couch with her, watching TV show after TV show.

Going to a fancy restaurant to celebrate her birthday.

Her sitting on the reclining seat in the bedroom every morning, reading the newspaper.

Her and my sister walking around the house, arms swinging, like they had all the time in the world.

Going shopping and her buying me little mementos.

Her crying as we leave for the airport and my mom promising that we’ll see her again.

Here’s what I don’t remember:

The last thing I said to her before we left.

Me telling her that I love her.

 

perfectlonelyworld

What do you do?

22 Jan

What do you do,

When your world’s falling apart?

What do you do,

When no one’s there for you?

 

perfectlonelyworld