Tag Archives: Life

Dusk

12 Jul

Everything is silent below a dark clear sky

And the wind slowly passes like a tickle of a feather,

The dusk is ignored as the world passes by –

It is the forgotten friend that offers its shoulder

While we weep in its embrace,

So often overlooked and taken for granted

That no one sees the beauty of its cloak.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Piano Lessons

3 May

For most of my life, I have taken piano lessons. The first time I ever touched a piano was when I was 6; I started lessons when I was 8. In all honesty, when my parents asked if I wanted to play an instrument, what I really wanted to play was the guitar. But my mom is a classical music fan, and persuaded me to choose the piano. Thus, began my long, tear-filled journey of piano lessons.

I am not a fan of classical music. At all. I’m a through and through Country gal. Looking back, taking guitar lessons would have made a lot more sense. But at the time, I was quite easily persuaded. My first teacher wanted his students to enjoy what they were playing. So technique-wise, I learned nothing. After 3 or 4 years, I stopped with him, and got a different teacher. This new teacher is the one I blame for the tears.

He was young and strict and moody. By the end of every lesson, I would be in tears. Tears that I fought hard to control, but it was a losing battle from the start. I was (and still am) an extremely sensitive person, and his insults did nothing to help my growing hatred of the piano. Even when he praised me on a piece well played, all I could hear were “I have students younger than you who can play better” and “You will never be good at this”. My mom was no help either. “If you’d practice more, you’d get better”, “You can’t play with friends until you practice the piano. He said you have to practice at least 3 hours every day” and “Stop wasting money”.  To be fair, I did learn a lot about how to play the piano when I was with him.

To any sane person looking in, the solution would be simple. If you hate it so much, and if it causes so many fights (every single fight I have ever had with my parents stems from the piano), why don’t you just stop? The answer? Because I can’t. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As much as I hate it, I can’t let go. It is a part of who I am, and if I stop, I too, will die. It seems overly dramatic. But it’s true. It has become such a huge part of me that if I were to stop, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

I found a new teacher, and have been with him for almost a year. I enjoy it, but slowly, the fights are starting again. Things as simple as my dad refusing to drive me (it takes close to 2 hours to get there by public transport) to (once again) the “fact” that I am “wasting money”. Whether I like it or not, piano lessons have become a part of me, and I know that it will continue to be until the day I die, whether it be soon or a long time away. That, I do not know, but what I do know is that I can never stop.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Nostalgia

6 Apr

It’s a funny thing ain’t it,

To long for something that’s no longer there,

No way to return nor get it back,

Yet that longing still remains.

Like a veil over our eyes

That is ignored but never overlooked,

It stays like a throbbing pain,

Blurring our focus,

Our vision,

Our path.

Longing for what we can never have,

For it is the past that we cannot touch,

Once passed, never to return,

Yet that longing surrounds us.

We reach but can no longer feel

As our hands pass through time,

While our present goes by before our eyes,

But it is not seen, only to be saw.

Out of grasp but we do not notice,

Hoping for a miracle to save us,

Revive us,

Resurrect us.

While we are alive but not living,

Memories are the safe haven

And the doom to our existence,

Yet that longing is in our core.

It takes over and we cease to exist,

Becoming who we wish not to be,

We cannot stop as it invades

Our being and our soul,

For it is the devil disguised as the good,

And without looking back we fall,

We tumble,

We collapse.

We think it will save us,

Times that were simple

We long to go back,

And the tea is bittersweet.

We are hooked to the drug,

Never stop reaching – it is all we know,

It overpowers and destroys what we once were,

That longing is who we are.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Drifting Away

19 Mar

We used to be so close. We’d barely go a day without talking to each other. Now, we hardly speak, and when we do, the conversation’s strained and unnatural. I can feel us drifting apart. I can see us getting farther and farther away from each other. I know that if I tried, if I reached out a hand, maybe I could still save it, and pull us together again. But I don’t. Because when I try, there’s no response. I text you, but you don’t answer.  I muster up the courage to call your number, but it goes straight to voicemail. And after, I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed to be naïve enough to think it could go back to the way it used to be. Embarrassed that you seem to have moved on while I, I’m still stuck on the same path you left me on. I see you sometimes, with other people, laughing, and I’m saddened by the sight. A wave of nostalgia washes over me, and I can’t help but remember all the times you’d laugh like that when we were together. Or how I could talk to you after a long, hard day and everything would suddenly become a whole lot better. I guess I just miss you. But in the end, I’m too tired to try to get you back. And maybe you don’t even notice it, but I do. I notice the cracks on the ground where we stand. I notice the wrinkles that have formed on the fabric. And I want to hold you close to me. But instead, I let go, and watch you drift farther and farther away.

 

perfectlonelyworld

The First Snowfall

1 Mar

Soft flakes drifting lightly

Towards the white covered ground,

Forming a beautiful blanket

That is gentle and tender.

 

The wind murmurs in the air,

Ever so lightly, barely there,

Turning little noses the color of blood,

As snow continues to fall.

 

Bells jingle and wind chimes ring,

The smell of cinnamon at every turn,

Children sit with mugs of hot chocolate

To watch the first snowfall of the year.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Life In D Minor

24 Feb

I look at the sheets of music

With titles I can’t read

And notes I used to know.

 

I remember spending hours

Playing and playing,

Until my fingers bled.

 

Tears were shed,

Papers were ripped,

And threats echoed in the room.

 

I longed to stop,

To end the torture

That ruled my life.

 

Yet looking back,

I wish I knew

What I know now.

 

For the piano is a part of me,

The notes are my words,

And music is my life.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Disappointment

21 Feb

I hate disappointment.

I hate being disappointed. I hate going to watch a movie or reading book, and being left unsatisfied. I hate expecting a person to be better than that, when they really aren’t. I hate counting on someone who can’t be counted upon. I hate realizing that the ones I trusted betrayed my trust. I hate people making promises they know they’ll never keep. I hate the sadness that comes with being let down. I hate the way it leaves me feeling drained and lethargic. I hate being disappointed.

I hate disappointing others. I hate telling someone I will do something, and not being able to do so. I hate letting others down. I hate not being able to hold my end of the deal. I hate falling short of other peoples’ standards. I hate being someone they used to be able to trust. I hate telling my parents that I didn’t make it. I hate feeling useless and worthless. I hate the looks on peoples’ faces when they’re disappointed. I hate not being good enough, no matter how hard I try. I hate disappointing others.

And lately, all I ever seem to feel is disappointment, and am constantly disappointing others. The feeling that I’m not worthy and that I’ll never be worthy, lingers in my mind. Perhaps if I lower my expectations, or perhaps if I stop caring so much what other people think, I can stop feeling this way. But I can’t. Thus, my life will continue to revolve around disappointment.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Meant To Be

20 Feb

It’s been two years since

Most have moved on

But you’re still living

Like it was yesterday

 

You blame yourself for what happened,

Never letting go

Thinking you could have stopped it

But you’ve got to know

 

[Chorus]

It’s not your fault,

You’re not to blame

And maybe someday, somewhere

You’ll see it was meant to be

Some things are just meant to happen

No matter how bad they are

Someday you’ll look back and see

It was meant to be

 

You’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders

Weighing you down

‘Til you’re just a puddle after the hurricane

You’ve got to know

 

[Chorus]

It’s not your fault,

You’re not to blame

And maybe someday, somewhere

You’ll see it was meant to be

Some things are just meant to happen

No matter how bad they are

Someday you’ll look back and see

It was meant to be

 

I just wish you’d realize

There are some things we can’t change

If you’d look a little closer

If you’d open your eyes and see

Yeah I know it’ll hurt the most

And yeah, I know you loved her

But it’s already over

 

It was never your fault

Stop blaming yourself

Someday, somewhere

Open your eyes and see it was meant to be

Some things just have to happen

Even if they hurt

Someday you’ll see

It was meant to be

It was meant to be

 

perfectlonelyworld

Growing Up

17 Feb

As a little girl,

I had big dreams

Some were huge oceans,

Others were little streams.

 

In my innocent mind,

Nothing was impossible

Life was a blank slate,

Yours to make visible.

 

That was when everything was perfect,

Only now do I wonder

Where was the rain before

Where was the thunder?

 

As I grow older,

And reality grows heavier

The illusion I had is gone,

While the storm grows steadier.

 

Is this what growing up means?

Letting go of the rainbow

Putting yourself down,

And forever saying no.

 

perfectlonelyworld

What Do You Do?

16 Feb

What do you tell yourself each morning,

When you don’t have the courage to get out of bed,

When you’ve lost all will to live.

 

What do you say to those who love you,

When they don’t see the façade,

When you’ve lied to their face.

 

What do you see as you look in the mirror,

When you apply two pounds of make-up,

When you see the beast underneath.

 

What do you do holding the knife in your hand,

When you try so hard to go through,

When you’ve given up on the world.

 

perfectlonelyworld