Tag Archives: Regret

Nostalgia

6 Apr

It’s a funny thing ain’t it,

To long for something that’s no longer there,

No way to return nor get it back,

Yet that longing still remains.

Like a veil over our eyes

That is ignored but never overlooked,

It stays like a throbbing pain,

Blurring our focus,

Our vision,

Our path.

Longing for what we can never have,

For it is the past that we cannot touch,

Once passed, never to return,

Yet that longing surrounds us.

We reach but can no longer feel

As our hands pass through time,

While our present goes by before our eyes,

But it is not seen, only to be saw.

Out of grasp but we do not notice,

Hoping for a miracle to save us,

Revive us,

Resurrect us.

While we are alive but not living,

Memories are the safe haven

And the doom to our existence,

Yet that longing is in our core.

It takes over and we cease to exist,

Becoming who we wish not to be,

We cannot stop as it invades

Our being and our soul,

For it is the devil disguised as the good,

And without looking back we fall,

We tumble,

We collapse.

We think it will save us,

Times that were simple

We long to go back,

And the tea is bittersweet.

We are hooked to the drug,

Never stop reaching – it is all we know,

It overpowers and destroys what we once were,

That longing is who we are.

 

perfectlonelyworld

If I Had Known

5 Mar

It’s been exactly 5 years since I saw you for the last time. It was a Tuesday night. I wore a new coral colored shirt. I remember being in the car, driving to go see you. I wanted her to come with me. But she didn’t. I remember riding in the elevators to go to your floor, and I remember getting lost. You were on the third floor.

If I had known it would be my last time seeing you, I wouldn’t have said that I needed to go to the bathroom, when I really just needed some air. I wouldn’t have went to the hallway, pacing back and forth, trying to think straight. Because if I hadn’t, it would have meant 5 more minutes with you. If I had known it would be my last time feeling your touch on me, I would have hugged you harder. I would have given you a kiss. (I remember you saying “If it weren’t for these tubes, I’d kiss you.”) If I had known it would be the last time I would get to hear your voice, I would have listened more carefully, memorizing your voice.

I wrote you a poem. And I read it at the funeral. I remember eating poutine for the first time in my life before going to the funeral home. At your funeral, there was so many people. You had touched every single one of their lives in some way. There were 3 people sitting on the couch. Your daughter was there. There was some crying. I cried. But we laughed too. And we smiled. We thought of all our memories of you. It was bittersweet.

I miss you. You were my friend when I was mostly alone. You helped me. You helped my family. I’ll always remember sitting in your living room on Sundays, watching cartoons and eating cheese puffs. I remember coloring pictures in your kitchen. I remember your birthday 3 years before you died. We drove to see you again. And I remember you said that you were looking forwards to the next 10 years.

There’s some things that I can no longer remember. I can no longer hear your voice, a voice that was once so comforting to me. At times, I can’t see your face. And this, this thought that you will slowly be forgotten, terrifies me. You should have been here for at least 7 more years. If I had known that you would be gone, I would never have taken any thing for granted. It’s been 5 years.

God saw him getting tired

When a cure was not to be,

So he closed his arms around him

And whispered come to me.

 

In tears we saw him sinking,

We watched him fade away,

Our hearts were truly broken,

He fought so hard to stay.

 

But when we saw him sleeping

Peacefully and free from pain,

We could not wish him back

To suffer that again.

 

So close your arms around him Lord,

And give him special care,

Make up for all that he suffered

That seemed to us unfair.

 

So many times we’ve needed him,

So many times we’ve cried,

If love could have saved him,

He never would have died.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Disappointment

21 Feb

I hate disappointment.

I hate being disappointed. I hate going to watch a movie or reading book, and being left unsatisfied. I hate expecting a person to be better than that, when they really aren’t. I hate counting on someone who can’t be counted upon. I hate realizing that the ones I trusted betrayed my trust. I hate people making promises they know they’ll never keep. I hate the sadness that comes with being let down. I hate the way it leaves me feeling drained and lethargic. I hate being disappointed.

I hate disappointing others. I hate telling someone I will do something, and not being able to do so. I hate letting others down. I hate not being able to hold my end of the deal. I hate falling short of other peoples’ standards. I hate being someone they used to be able to trust. I hate telling my parents that I didn’t make it. I hate feeling useless and worthless. I hate the looks on peoples’ faces when they’re disappointed. I hate not being good enough, no matter how hard I try. I hate disappointing others.

And lately, all I ever seem to feel is disappointment, and am constantly disappointing others. The feeling that I’m not worthy and that I’ll never be worthy, lingers in my mind. Perhaps if I lower my expectations, or perhaps if I stop caring so much what other people think, I can stop feeling this way. But I can’t. Thus, my life will continue to revolve around disappointment.

 

perfectlonelyworld

Meant To Be

20 Feb

It’s been two years since

Most have moved on

But you’re still living

Like it was yesterday

 

You blame yourself for what happened,

Never letting go

Thinking you could have stopped it

But you’ve got to know

 

[Chorus]

It’s not your fault,

You’re not to blame

And maybe someday, somewhere

You’ll see it was meant to be

Some things are just meant to happen

No matter how bad they are

Someday you’ll look back and see

It was meant to be

 

You’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders

Weighing you down

‘Til you’re just a puddle after the hurricane

You’ve got to know

 

[Chorus]

It’s not your fault,

You’re not to blame

And maybe someday, somewhere

You’ll see it was meant to be

Some things are just meant to happen

No matter how bad they are

Someday you’ll look back and see

It was meant to be

 

I just wish you’d realize

There are some things we can’t change

If you’d look a little closer

If you’d open your eyes and see

Yeah I know it’ll hurt the most

And yeah, I know you loved her

But it’s already over

 

It was never your fault

Stop blaming yourself

Someday, somewhere

Open your eyes and see it was meant to be

Some things just have to happen

Even if they hurt

Someday you’ll see

It was meant to be

It was meant to be

 

perfectlonelyworld

Back In Time

11 Feb

I want to go back in time. I want to go back to a time when things were simpler. When life seemed better.

I want to go back and talk to my grandmother. I want to see her smile, and give her a hug. Most importantly, I want to tell her that I love her.

I want to go back to when I was a baby. When I had not yet known heartbreak, sorrow and pain. When I wasn’t constantly under pressure to be perfect.

I want to go back to when I was five. When I would sit on the rock in our front yard, day after day, after day. Waiting. For what, I’m not sure. Perhaps waiting for my dad to come home from work. Or maybe, I was waiting for the cats who lived across the street to come, so that I could play with them.

I want to go back to that hospital room on that Tuesday night. That night, the last time I saw him alive. I want to give him a kiss on the cheek, tell him how he made me a better person.

I want to go back to when my biggest worry was if the girl sitting next to me in class wanted to play with me at recess.

I want to go back to summer days spent by the pool. Laughing, splashing, talking. When school seemed an eternity away.

I want to go back to evening strolls on the beach. Watching the sun set, the sky aflame. Later, the sky would turn pink. I want to feel the sand in between my toes and smell the fresh ocean air.

Above all, I want to go back and do all the things I wish I had done. I want to relive all the good times of the past, not taking it for granted. I want to take away this regret that is inside me.

 

perfectlonelyworld

 

RIP Grandma

5 Feb

A moment. A moment in time. A moment in time that can change everything. It can change your life for the better. Or this moment can turn your life upside down. It’s only a moment, yet it’s so much more than just that.

At 5:28, I was reading a book. A really good, interesting book. My phone started to vibrate. I had gotten an email. The moment I opened that email, at 5:29, everything changed. The time between 5:28 and 5:29 was my last moment not knowing. My last moment n0t knowing  that my Grandma, my dear, beloved Grandma, had passed away. It was the moment that changed everything.

My Grandmother has been sick for a while now. Almost 5 years, to be exact. And I guess I’ve always known that this moment would come. But I never let myself think about it. I never let myself dwell on that thought. And I never thought it would be so soon. February 5, 2013. 1:55.

What was I doing at 1:55? I was in school. It was last period. I had Science. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t have. And now that I do know, I don’t know which is worse. Knowing, and being in pain, or never knowing.

I have many regrets. The biggest one is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say ‘I love you’ one more time. I never got to see her one last time. I haven’t seen her in more than 4 years. I haven’t talked to her in more than 4 years. And now, now it’s too late. It’s too late for her to teach me how to knit. It’s too late for her to tell me stories about her childhood. It’s too late for everything. It’s too late to say goodbye.

Grandma, I haven’t said this to you since I was a baby. So I’ll say it now. I love you. Even if the last time I saw you, I was angry. Even if the last time I saw you, I was frustrated. I hope that you knew that through it all, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped caring. I love you. And I miss you.

 

perfectlonelyworld